I have just finished jury service. I had no idea what to expect after I saw the summons. I was told it would involve boredom and stress. Boy, was that accurate! Obviously I am not going to reveal details of cases or trials but this short period of civic duty had such a profound effect on me I just had to write it down. I had 2 trials during a 2 week period of service. When not in court you are confined to a juror's lounge and I knew it would be boring but I have never known such an intense boredom in all my life. You have no idea when you will be sent home or what type of case you will be asked to sit on. It starts to get to you after about 5 hours so I can't even comprehend what it must be like in prison when you can't go home at all and this is something to think about when you can contribute to sending someone there.
On the second week I was put on quite a distressing case and I'll leave it at that. I couldn't sleep, I had a poorly stomach just from the anxiety of it. More than that I was just overwhelmed with a sense of deep sadness. A real grief that felt like pure broken heartedness. This might sound like an overreaction to jury service and I couldn't understand it myself. My head said I was being silly and to get a grip but I found myself constantly fighting back tears. Working for charities over the past few years, I've heard terribly sad stories about people's lives. Devastating things that you wouldn't wish upon anyone. But nothing affected me like this did.
My friend Emma did a brilliant sermon a little while ago where she mentioned a line from a worship song, "Break my heart for what breaks yours," and she stated what a dangerous prayer this is. She is absolutely right. I have prayed this many times and during the jury service that is absolutely what God did. He broke my heart for all the people involved and it was overwhelming. I had such a strong sense of compassion that could only come from God, our father. I just knew he was desperate to put his loving arms around everyone involved with those trials and longed for them to know how much he loved them. Just a glimpse of his love and compassion is absolutely overwhelming. It completely broke me in such a powerful way. In showing me his love, it meant I could love them and make the right decisions, knowing that ultimately it is all in His hands and I could just trust Him in that.
It has been tough but I can't praise God enough for His revelations and glimpses into his glory. I can't quite express with words just how mind-blowing it is to have an Almighty God who loves us SO much
Saturday, 27 November 2010
Sunday, 26 September 2010
The Great Scottish Hill Climb...with a bike
"Its not the mountain we conquer but ourselves"
I recently did a sponsored cycle across Scotland in order to raise funds for Christians Against Poverty. I initially signed up to this on a bit of whim. I hadn't cycled in years and didn't own a bike. In the end I borrowed my brothers bike which he got when he was about 10 years old, had it serviced and when out on weekends to do a few miles along the Transpennine Trail. The Transpennine Trail where I live is relatively flat and undemanding but I thought "it's fine, I'll just push myself for those 2 days in Scotland and it'll be hard but doable" much to the amusement of my brother who thought I was nuts.
Well, I would like to say with hindsight, there was fun, laughter and a sense of achievement in pushing myself and my body to its limits. At the time though it was so hard. It turns out that over the weekend we climbed 8000 feet. On day 2 of the cycle most of it was spent pushing the bike up the hill and I must have spent about an hour of that 8 hour day actually on the bike. The terrain was rocky and muddy (My feet and the bike got stuck in mud and I had to climb under a fallen tree at one point). It rained for the majority of the weekend and by the end of day 2 I was soaked through, freezing and shivering.
There are much harder challenges out there and I know 2 days of cycling isn't actually that bad but it really was a challenge for me. I've been denying for some time now that I have asthma but there was no denying it there. I was at the inhaler constantly, struggling for breath. Quite a few times I had to fight back tears, I was in agony. My legs, my back, my chest. I kept thinking I was pathetic and couldn't do it.
And that's where our amazing God steps in. I kept praying that He would move the mountain. I couldn't take any more hills! I chanted, "Be bold, be strong, for the Lord your God is with you" and often just repeated "Jesus" over and over. I had this image of God alongside me cheering me on, saying "You can do it". It is an astounding place to be where you have no choice but to completely rely on God. You have nothing and everything all at the same time. A few days later as I was thinking about turning the corners and seeing more hills with no end in sight I thought of Jesus carrying the cross to Calvary. Now I am not for one second saying a bike ride is like carrying your own execution equipment after several beatings but it just made me think of his exhaustion both mentally and physically. When you just can't see the purpose or the reason for the pain. He kept going though. It was him and God and all so that we could know freedom. So that we could experience his love and have a real relationship with our heavenly father. In the midst of hurt and pain, it is often hard to see the bigger picture. The bike ride resulted in sponsorship which can go to CAP clients who are in real need and that was the ultimate goal but it wasn't always easy to see on those hills. When Jesus cries out, "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?" perhaps it was the same - hard to see the purpose through the pain. The result those is that we can be reunited with our creator.
We might not always see the purpose through the pain but God does and he is right there with us, keeping us going until we see it too.
I recently did a sponsored cycle across Scotland in order to raise funds for Christians Against Poverty. I initially signed up to this on a bit of whim. I hadn't cycled in years and didn't own a bike. In the end I borrowed my brothers bike which he got when he was about 10 years old, had it serviced and when out on weekends to do a few miles along the Transpennine Trail. The Transpennine Trail where I live is relatively flat and undemanding but I thought "it's fine, I'll just push myself for those 2 days in Scotland and it'll be hard but doable" much to the amusement of my brother who thought I was nuts.
Well, I would like to say with hindsight, there was fun, laughter and a sense of achievement in pushing myself and my body to its limits. At the time though it was so hard. It turns out that over the weekend we climbed 8000 feet. On day 2 of the cycle most of it was spent pushing the bike up the hill and I must have spent about an hour of that 8 hour day actually on the bike. The terrain was rocky and muddy (My feet and the bike got stuck in mud and I had to climb under a fallen tree at one point). It rained for the majority of the weekend and by the end of day 2 I was soaked through, freezing and shivering.
There are much harder challenges out there and I know 2 days of cycling isn't actually that bad but it really was a challenge for me. I've been denying for some time now that I have asthma but there was no denying it there. I was at the inhaler constantly, struggling for breath. Quite a few times I had to fight back tears, I was in agony. My legs, my back, my chest. I kept thinking I was pathetic and couldn't do it.
And that's where our amazing God steps in. I kept praying that He would move the mountain. I couldn't take any more hills! I chanted, "Be bold, be strong, for the Lord your God is with you" and often just repeated "Jesus" over and over. I had this image of God alongside me cheering me on, saying "You can do it". It is an astounding place to be where you have no choice but to completely rely on God. You have nothing and everything all at the same time. A few days later as I was thinking about turning the corners and seeing more hills with no end in sight I thought of Jesus carrying the cross to Calvary. Now I am not for one second saying a bike ride is like carrying your own execution equipment after several beatings but it just made me think of his exhaustion both mentally and physically. When you just can't see the purpose or the reason for the pain. He kept going though. It was him and God and all so that we could know freedom. So that we could experience his love and have a real relationship with our heavenly father. In the midst of hurt and pain, it is often hard to see the bigger picture. The bike ride resulted in sponsorship which can go to CAP clients who are in real need and that was the ultimate goal but it wasn't always easy to see on those hills. When Jesus cries out, "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?" perhaps it was the same - hard to see the purpose through the pain. The result those is that we can be reunited with our creator.
We might not always see the purpose through the pain but God does and he is right there with us, keeping us going until we see it too.
Sunday, 4 July 2010
Closeness
I was looking at an advert for Blackberry which states, "Closeness has nothing to do with distance". This got me thinking. Distance plays quite a part in my life at the moment. I travel 100 miles everyday to get to and from work. My boyfriend lives 214 miles away. Many of my friends are moving on and moving further away. The small amount of family that I know live either 145 miles away or in Spain (I don't know how many miles away Spain is). The implication that Blackberry makes is that distance is irrelevant because if you have a mobile phone and the internet then you can remain close. Sure, you can talk everyday, e-mail everyday, skype etc etc and be up to date with everything going on in another persons life. However, you only know what they choose or remember to tell you. You can't see what is really going on around them, what they are up to, how they are really feeling. You are contacted when they feel they want to and you contact them when you feel like you want to. There is choice. What about the mundane? What about just hanging out and watching tv or a film together? What about deciding what to have for dinner? What about finishing a rubbish day and just sitting with someone? That's closeness. That's intimacy. That can't be done over e-mail or the phone. I agree Blackberry that the people you value most in your life don't have to be physically near for you to love and appreciate them but I reckon closeness has a lot to do with distance and that's why long distance is hard.
Monday, 3 May 2010
Interpretation
We spend our lives interpreting. We take a look at our surroundings and we interpret. In other words we give our meaning to what we see, hear and feel. Interpretation is integral to our lives as we make daily assessments and it is such a powerful tool.
As a follower of Jesus I want to know what he wants for me each day, for my life. This means interpreting the Bible, his living word and what he is telling me through this. The difficulty with interpretation is that it is all to easy to make something say what you want it to say, to meet your own ends rather than a genuine search for the truth. I have recently been studying what the Bible says about women in church leadership. I am passionate about women's equality in all arenas and so of course I want to find passages to back me up. However, I am passionate about equality because this is what Jesus taught and has put on my heart and so I am searching to see the meaning in his words that fit with the character of God that I know and have fallen in love with. Is this still a search for the truth? To what point am I just backing up my own arguments and to what extent am I arguing God's point and fighting against mis-interpration of his word?
I have just been reading about how the idea of studying and interpreting the Bible alone is a modern concept. That when the church began they would share scriptures together. That communities would hear the scripture together and they would discuss it. I love this idea of engaging and wrestling with the Bible together which is why Christian fellowship is so important. I have tried to go it alone and of course God can speak to us through his word when we are on our own but how marvellous to do this as a community! Just think how God can work when we work it out together.
This can be taken further than interpretation of the Bible. If we interpret everything together then we'd get much more insight into a situation. Think about that snide comment someone made to you the other day or that text message - was it sarcastic? What about that photo you saw on Facebook - who is that girl he's with? Is there something going on there? I bet if others were involved in the discussion you'd get a more balanced view of what was happening. If you just argue with yourself in your own head you are more likely to end up with a twisted or more paranoid conclusion.
So in short interpretation is an act that is always done better in groups. Or is it? Lets discuss it...
As a follower of Jesus I want to know what he wants for me each day, for my life. This means interpreting the Bible, his living word and what he is telling me through this. The difficulty with interpretation is that it is all to easy to make something say what you want it to say, to meet your own ends rather than a genuine search for the truth. I have recently been studying what the Bible says about women in church leadership. I am passionate about women's equality in all arenas and so of course I want to find passages to back me up. However, I am passionate about equality because this is what Jesus taught and has put on my heart and so I am searching to see the meaning in his words that fit with the character of God that I know and have fallen in love with. Is this still a search for the truth? To what point am I just backing up my own arguments and to what extent am I arguing God's point and fighting against mis-interpration of his word?
I have just been reading about how the idea of studying and interpreting the Bible alone is a modern concept. That when the church began they would share scriptures together. That communities would hear the scripture together and they would discuss it. I love this idea of engaging and wrestling with the Bible together which is why Christian fellowship is so important. I have tried to go it alone and of course God can speak to us through his word when we are on our own but how marvellous to do this as a community! Just think how God can work when we work it out together.
This can be taken further than interpretation of the Bible. If we interpret everything together then we'd get much more insight into a situation. Think about that snide comment someone made to you the other day or that text message - was it sarcastic? What about that photo you saw on Facebook - who is that girl he's with? Is there something going on there? I bet if others were involved in the discussion you'd get a more balanced view of what was happening. If you just argue with yourself in your own head you are more likely to end up with a twisted or more paranoid conclusion.
So in short interpretation is an act that is always done better in groups. Or is it? Lets discuss it...
Tuesday, 20 April 2010
Ageing gracefully
Its my birthday tomorrow. I have to remind myself of this because I keep forgetting. I feel like I have reached that sad stage where birthdays are all just another day and you're not even sure what age you are because its not really important. This makes me feel old. People have often said I'm old before my time with occasional rants about nothing in particular and references to television from the 70s. Having said this there is that other part of me that just wants to be young, carefree, forget responsibility, travel the world, watch sunsets on beaches and chase the ends of rainbows. Actually I expect most people feel like that.
The thing about being in your twenties is that everyone around you is at a different point in life. Some are getting married, settling down, some are off on adventures, some are working hard towards that career goal and some are stood in the middle, watching them all and not knowing which ones to join.
I praise God for the year I was 21. I graduated from university, got an amazing job and rediscovered the fun of my hometown. I am excited about what God has in store for year number 22. I hope He sees me standing in the middle and gives me a shove towards the right way.
The thing about being in your twenties is that everyone around you is at a different point in life. Some are getting married, settling down, some are off on adventures, some are working hard towards that career goal and some are stood in the middle, watching them all and not knowing which ones to join.
I praise God for the year I was 21. I graduated from university, got an amazing job and rediscovered the fun of my hometown. I am excited about what God has in store for year number 22. I hope He sees me standing in the middle and gives me a shove towards the right way.
Wednesday, 10 March 2010
Girl power?
It was International Women's Day on Sunday 7th March and to coincide, the BBC have put together an archive collection of material about feminism on their website which has been very interesting and entertaining. I have also just watched a documentary on BBC4 on the same theme. This all got me thinking.
I did gender studies as part of my degree and have always been interested in feminism and the history of women as my mother's interest had awakened a spark for it early on. Women has obviously been given a raw deal throughout history but I am often surprised at how recent the offensive prejudice carried on until. One of the stories I heard recently was about women being allowed into Cambridge. I quote, "The last male college to take women was Magdalene; on the first day of female acceptance students wore black armbands, carried round a coffin, rung bells and all flags were flown at half-mast." My initial reaction to this is how pathetic! Perhaps these men felt so threatened by the fact that women could compete on an equal level with them intellectually that they needed to make this statement. Being brought up in a patriarchal society though had made this behaviour and these values acceptable. Tales such as these make me cry thank goodness for feminism - that women stood up for themselves in being of equal value to men. However, it would be foolish to think that it is finished. We may have equality in the law but sexism is still rife.
One of the struggles for today is still the issue of marriage and children - it almost feels wrong to desire these still rather than a high flying career. To want to be a housewife appears to mock everything that women fought for and going against any feminist instincts. You may end up as a housewife, but that shouldn't be your goal or dream. What about the value of housework? We need people to nurture, care for and organise the household which is no easy job. Raising children should never be underestimated - the huge amount of physical, emotional, mental and spiritual work that goes into this is incredible. Just because both men and women do combine this with work outside of the home does not mean everyone has to do this. We need to get to a point where we recognise different types of work as equal value. Housework, childcare, cleaner, carer, whatever, these are all of equal value to high flying executives, bankers, etc. We need to see those who spend their lives caring for and looking after others as equal value and worth to everyone else in our society. I don't believe it is any coincidence that it has traditionally been women who have undertaken these roles and they are still the lesser paid.
My Christian faith has raised many challenges for me as a woman but not because I think God has any gender hierarchies but that people do. Jesus is all about equality and is clearly for women. He talks to the woman at the well, he stops the woman caught i adultery from being stoned, he credits the woman who washes his feet with wisdom, it is a woman who first sees him after the resurrection. I could go on and on. Jesus clearly values and respects women. This is why I get tired of people quoting the same old verses from Corinthians out of context to stop women taking any leadership or speaking roles in church. It is a ridiculous notion that men can't take teaching from women. I see that this is rubbish from the example my church and many other churches set. Women bring great insight from God and not giving them the opportunity to share this is a crime as far as I'm concerned. I believe that the Bible is the living word and forever relevant but that it also needs its context and to remove verses from this to discriminate and silence people is going against everything God stands for.
These comments may seem generalised and frivolous but I don't have the time and space to fully explore all of these issues right now. I just wanted to try and convey my passion for the value of women at this point. I'm sure the topic will come up again!
I did gender studies as part of my degree and have always been interested in feminism and the history of women as my mother's interest had awakened a spark for it early on. Women has obviously been given a raw deal throughout history but I am often surprised at how recent the offensive prejudice carried on until. One of the stories I heard recently was about women being allowed into Cambridge. I quote, "The last male college to take women was Magdalene; on the first day of female acceptance students wore black armbands, carried round a coffin, rung bells and all flags were flown at half-mast." My initial reaction to this is how pathetic! Perhaps these men felt so threatened by the fact that women could compete on an equal level with them intellectually that they needed to make this statement. Being brought up in a patriarchal society though had made this behaviour and these values acceptable. Tales such as these make me cry thank goodness for feminism - that women stood up for themselves in being of equal value to men. However, it would be foolish to think that it is finished. We may have equality in the law but sexism is still rife.
One of the struggles for today is still the issue of marriage and children - it almost feels wrong to desire these still rather than a high flying career. To want to be a housewife appears to mock everything that women fought for and going against any feminist instincts. You may end up as a housewife, but that shouldn't be your goal or dream. What about the value of housework? We need people to nurture, care for and organise the household which is no easy job. Raising children should never be underestimated - the huge amount of physical, emotional, mental and spiritual work that goes into this is incredible. Just because both men and women do combine this with work outside of the home does not mean everyone has to do this. We need to get to a point where we recognise different types of work as equal value. Housework, childcare, cleaner, carer, whatever, these are all of equal value to high flying executives, bankers, etc. We need to see those who spend their lives caring for and looking after others as equal value and worth to everyone else in our society. I don't believe it is any coincidence that it has traditionally been women who have undertaken these roles and they are still the lesser paid.
My Christian faith has raised many challenges for me as a woman but not because I think God has any gender hierarchies but that people do. Jesus is all about equality and is clearly for women. He talks to the woman at the well, he stops the woman caught i adultery from being stoned, he credits the woman who washes his feet with wisdom, it is a woman who first sees him after the resurrection. I could go on and on. Jesus clearly values and respects women. This is why I get tired of people quoting the same old verses from Corinthians out of context to stop women taking any leadership or speaking roles in church. It is a ridiculous notion that men can't take teaching from women. I see that this is rubbish from the example my church and many other churches set. Women bring great insight from God and not giving them the opportunity to share this is a crime as far as I'm concerned. I believe that the Bible is the living word and forever relevant but that it also needs its context and to remove verses from this to discriminate and silence people is going against everything God stands for.
These comments may seem generalised and frivolous but I don't have the time and space to fully explore all of these issues right now. I just wanted to try and convey my passion for the value of women at this point. I'm sure the topic will come up again!
Saturday, 6 March 2010
Passion
I am very blessed in that I get to do a job I enjoy that directly impacts on people's lives. I currently work for Christians Against Poverty, a national debt counselling charity that provides financial education and relief as well as spreading the news that everyone is loved by God. This is amazing in that I get to speak to people every day who are broken and struggling and offer them hope and a new future. It also fulfils my passion for people and my God.
Through this job I have discovered many more things that I am passionate about. Firstly, injustice especially towards the poor. Time after time I hear vulnerable people tell of their confusion or anger over bank charges and huge interest that they have to pay and companies who won't listen when they say they have been made redundant or they have become ill and can't afford to pay at the moment. The one that inflames me the most I think is benefits overpayments. The very people who can barely afford food and bills are suddenly told the benefits agency gave them too much and they now need to pay it back. Surely the solution would be not to pay too much in the first place rather than punish the poor! I think the image we have of people receiving benefits in the UK is that they are 'scroungers' and 'lazy' but all you need to see is a young woman on her own with 2 children and all she has is a few eggs in her fridge and that is it to realise that it is an image far from the truth and most likely a picture the media has stirred up. There is so much poverty in the UK that we are quite happy to turn a blind eye to because we would rather pretend we are dishing out too much money and that it is easy to live off the state. This eases our conscience and gives us a scapegoat. Praise God for his vision which is Christians Against Poverty to combat this.
Something else that has made me think recently is how well we look after our mental health. There is a very British attitude of keeping our feelings bottled up and not talking about them as it is uncomfortable and embarrassing. We find it improper for people to get too emotional or admit that they are struggling. In America, counselling and regularly seeing a psychiatrist seems to be quite popular and considered the norm (though maybe this is more in cosmopolitan cities such as New York). Our knee jerk answer to unhappiness here appears to be anti-depressants. We need to talk more and find the root of our problems. We need to be comfortable in realising that seeking professional help is healthy and should be part of our general upkeep of our wellbeing.
Related to this is my passion for women and their wellbeing. More widely available counselling and mental health care could help women who have suffered from domestic violence or been through abortion or adoption, miscarriage or infertility. Inequality is still rampant and I long for the day where jobs that involve caring for people are valued in regards to pay as much as bankers.
That was quite a rant but I believe that my passion for people is God's passion for people and I will continue to ask him to break my heart for what breaks his.
Through this job I have discovered many more things that I am passionate about. Firstly, injustice especially towards the poor. Time after time I hear vulnerable people tell of their confusion or anger over bank charges and huge interest that they have to pay and companies who won't listen when they say they have been made redundant or they have become ill and can't afford to pay at the moment. The one that inflames me the most I think is benefits overpayments. The very people who can barely afford food and bills are suddenly told the benefits agency gave them too much and they now need to pay it back. Surely the solution would be not to pay too much in the first place rather than punish the poor! I think the image we have of people receiving benefits in the UK is that they are 'scroungers' and 'lazy' but all you need to see is a young woman on her own with 2 children and all she has is a few eggs in her fridge and that is it to realise that it is an image far from the truth and most likely a picture the media has stirred up. There is so much poverty in the UK that we are quite happy to turn a blind eye to because we would rather pretend we are dishing out too much money and that it is easy to live off the state. This eases our conscience and gives us a scapegoat. Praise God for his vision which is Christians Against Poverty to combat this.
Something else that has made me think recently is how well we look after our mental health. There is a very British attitude of keeping our feelings bottled up and not talking about them as it is uncomfortable and embarrassing. We find it improper for people to get too emotional or admit that they are struggling. In America, counselling and regularly seeing a psychiatrist seems to be quite popular and considered the norm (though maybe this is more in cosmopolitan cities such as New York). Our knee jerk answer to unhappiness here appears to be anti-depressants. We need to talk more and find the root of our problems. We need to be comfortable in realising that seeking professional help is healthy and should be part of our general upkeep of our wellbeing.
Related to this is my passion for women and their wellbeing. More widely available counselling and mental health care could help women who have suffered from domestic violence or been through abortion or adoption, miscarriage or infertility. Inequality is still rampant and I long for the day where jobs that involve caring for people are valued in regards to pay as much as bankers.
That was quite a rant but I believe that my passion for people is God's passion for people and I will continue to ask him to break my heart for what breaks his.
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